I couldn’t save him & I can’t save me. He begged me for a ride. My knee hurt, I didn’t want to drive. I never heard from him again. The guilt. I can’t save me. Only God can.

I can forgive everyone but myself. I couldn’t save him & I can’t save my husband. I looked to right my perceived wrong. Every healthy man wasn’t for me, I didn’t deserve that kind of love. I needed someone to need me. I wanted to make it right. Maybe I could save someone else. So when I met him I made him my responsibility.

There were so many things that felt wrong but I couldn’t leave, I thought he would die without me. I ignored everything that felt wrong, I ignored me.

I thought if I held on a little tighter I could save him. I told myself it was love, I told myself he was perfect for me. It felt wrong, I ignored it. I ignored myself.

I stayed busy so I never had to face it. I worked, I cooked, I cleaned.

I couldn’t get close to him, but Iied to myself. I forced myself to believe we were close because I couldn’t leave him. I was afraid that if I wasn’t there for him he would die. I lost a lot of myself while trying to save him.

He was never mine to save. Neither was B.

I was trying to right a perceived wrong that was never my responsibility to start with.

I held on when I knew I should let go.

I’m still holding on when I know I should let go.