“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.”
-Psalm 139:1
Today I was served the divorce papers. Don’t get me wrong my life is full of blessings, two beautiful children, 5 acres full of animals & plants I love, an amazing support system but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. All the broken promises, all the “Trust me” are coming to an end.
I held out hope. Next time it would be different. I made excuses, I lied to myself to believe him. 10 years, and 2 beautiful children later he was still lying. I was questioning my ears, nose, and eyes regularly. I was questioning my heart.
I wanted to give him an opportunity to show me that he was done lying. I asked him to sign a postnup stating he wouldn’t come after the house or anything. He said that he would never come after the house, he said that he loved me and that he would leave without a dime to prove it. I so desperately needed him to show it. I needed something other than the empty words.
I told him I was going to call a lawyer to set something up. I called, they couldn’t take me because it was a conflict of interest. I knew.
The papers came today, he still said “trust me, I’ll take care of you and the kids.” I wanted so badly to believe that. I opened the divorce paperwork and it said gross weekly income for me was $961.54. I couldn’t tell you the last time I made that. I haven’t even averaged $100 a week in the past 1.5 years as I’ve been busy breastfeeding and raising the children.
My height, my weight, my birthday were all wrong.
It hit me, he’s never seen me, he’s never taken the time to really look at me. He doesn’t even know me. I want to express my pain. I want to tell my friends and my family. I just want someone to understand. I want to tell him how badly that hurts but I don’t because I’ve been telling him for years.
His actions speak louder than words.