2 counselors said narcissistic abuse. Does that mean I’m a narcissist? 3 counselors said I wasn’t a narcissist. I do have narcissistic traits. Most people do.
I suffered from a lot of gaslighting. I guess I suffered from narcissistic abuse, according to the processionals. I don’t want to believe it. For so long I believed I was the problem. I was with him for a decade. I was lied to for a decade. I lied to myself for a decade.
I liked believing I was the problem, that I was in control. If I was problem it was in my power to fix the problem. So I was “too angry” to hear the truth. I was “too crazy.”
The worse things got the harder I tried. He’d lie, he’d betray me, and I’d apologize because somehow it was my fault. I didn’t deserve the truth. I became the person he told me I was. The scary part was I didn’t even know it. I thought I had always been that way. I became “crazy.” I became “angry.”
My “anger” was the problem so when things upset me I’d pretend they didn’t. I’d shove those feelings down. Then after a month of doing that I’d explode. Then I’d try again, until one day I punched him in the face several times.
Then I got help.
That first counseling appointment was an amazing step towards healing. Counseling appointments combined with books like Boundaries and Codependent no More helped me begin to detach emotionally from the relationship.