Ten years to realize I couldn’t save him and I can’t save him. 

I fought a battle that was never mine to begin with.  I let it consume me.  I lost myself while trying to save him.   I begged. I pleaded. I did things I never thought I would. I got angry, I punched, I threw dishes. 

He was never mine to save.  I didn’t know that.  I took his problems and I made them mine. 

I didn’t respect myself.  I let myself become crazy.  I let him tell me who I was.  I was no longer myself, fighting a battle I had no business being in. In the back of my head I thought if he didn’t have me he would die, so I stayed. 

I lied to myself.  I focused on the positive, I looked the other way when something didn’t feel right.  I joked that it was just me.  I was the problem.