A lot has happened this past month and I’ve been very dysregulated. Today I am feeling a little better. I drove almost 5 hours today with both of my children to meet a builder about possibly getting a new outbuilding for the property. I’ve been so fearful to do things alone for years that driving alone today felt so refreshing. I am working on making decisions on my own again which is very difficult when I don’t trust myself.

Lately I have been extra upset with myself because I fell back into toxic behaviors with my ex and ultimately it led to me blacking out about 3 weeks ago. He was gaslighting me and I told him to leave. He wouldn’t leave, I told him I’d call the police, he still wouldn’t leave. I felt scared, I think I know him, but I don’t. I didn’t think he was the kind of man to stay in my house when I was telling him to leave. Anyways I remember feeling scared and then I remember locking the door with him on the other side. I immediately assumed I put my hands on him but I couldn’t recall it.

Then he sent…

Give me a time that I can grab my stuff. And if you do get violent and push me again. I will not let you touch my violently again. I will call the police.

I sent…

I would like police present if they could do that. I do not feel safe.

He sent…

Given the fact that you have physically harmed me in the past. I agree. I apologize for swearing but that doesn’t justify you violently pushing me out the door.

I sent…

I told you to leave several times. I brought up calling the police because you would not leave. I was afraid especially with the gun strapped to your chest. And I saw how close you were to the door and I just wanted to get you on the other side so I could get to safety. I believe it’s called reactive abuse. Maybe I should have retreated to the closet like I used to and then called the police from there.

He sent…

So you told me i needed to get my guns out of the house or you were going to sell them and I start carrying them out of the house and you got mad at me that i wouldnt give you my weed whip and started yelling at me to get out of your house or you will call the police all while i was actively carrying my guns out of the house… and now you want to spin this and act like i was being a psycho with a gun… I was doing exactly what you asked me to do. And for the record the ‘gun strapped to my chest’ was just a laser. Also you have never once hid in the closet from me, in fact the only one in our marriage to ever be in danger was me. Like when you punched me in the face, threw hot food at me. Smashed glasses against the wall AND now today you violently push me out the door. Shall i keep going on examples? From now on I would like to meet at the police station to switch the kids off with each other.

I’ve hid in the closet during arguments. I did punch him in the face after he grabbed my arm while trying to shove me outside and take the baby in the car seat away from me. My arm did bruise, it was not a gentle grab and yes I started swinging.

I don’t think I’ve smashed glass into the wall. I’ve thrown plates on the ground. I’ve thrown compost on the ground. One time I tipped over a bookshelf in frustration. I also didn’t throw hot food at him. He made a comment about his hash browns and omelette not being done at the same time while I was still cooking the hash browns. I believe I said “here are your hash browns” and dumped the pan out I then proceeded to kick them at him.

I shouldn’t have done any of those things. I immediately reached out for professional help after punching him in the face because the anger in me at the moment was frightening to me.

Anyways the blacking out thing really frightened me as well. After the text messages with my ex-husband I started thinking about all the wrong I did to him and I started spiraling. I made a chiropractor appointment and a counseling appointment to try to calm myself back down. At counseling she told me that there’s a good chance I have cPTSD and dissociative something. She also reiterated that the blacking out was alarming. She told me that I should probably give myself a minimum of 6 months to heal without dating.